My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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