Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
