Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
