not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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