What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
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