Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
