i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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