please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
