Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
