look no pants
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
