Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Randomize
