Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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