I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm always down for nudity.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
