there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
