I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
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