I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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