Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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