so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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