Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
