We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
whose parrot is this?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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