My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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