there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I love you. Go after that dick
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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