theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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