i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
