my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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