So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
