remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
