Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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