Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
