what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
