They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
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