Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
