drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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