I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Randomize