I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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