Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
we're making bets on your personal life
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
