Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
And then my night got REAL pukey
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
