I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
