Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
