On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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