Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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