just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
