Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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