i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
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