By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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