i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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