those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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