I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
