Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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