ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
