In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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