Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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