Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
