Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
it was like having sex with a tree stump
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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