If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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