found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize