drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
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