The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
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