I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
