I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
