I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
